Humor

Don’t Mess With The Rock Dominatrix…

I’ve written at length about Her Worship THE Evil Redhead. I will probably continue to write at length about her from time to time. Not because she makes me. Truth is, every time I write about her I get beaten, locked in the closet, and banned from the Internet for an indeterminate period of time. However, I continue to put myself in harm’s way so that you may all be entertained. On that note, feel free to send your monetary appreciations to my paypal account.

So anyway… Tomorrow will be our 30th wedding anniversary. 31.5 years together, 30 of them not sinning. Well… NOT sinning may be going a little too far, but suffice it to say, 30 years with The Evil Redhead having an official transfer of ownership document from the state. Since this celebration of my servitude occurs on a Tuesday, we scheduled an Anniversary Getaway this past weekend. Friday morning we loaded up the Evil Mobile and headed for Southern Illinois for a two day stay at the Davie School Inn – an old elementary school that has been converted to a bed and breakfast. If you ever find yourself in Southern Illinois and want a great place to stay, check them out. Old classrooms converted to spacious yet cozy quarters and absolutely AMAZING breakfasts brought to your room – pretty much on your schedule – between 7:30 – 10:00 each morning. There are also some tremendous restaurants within minutes, such as The Brick House and The Yellow Moon Cafe. Of course, being in Southern Illinois there is also the Wine Trail, the Beer Trail, and a ton of orchards – cider donuts, anyone? But, if you are also into scenery and hiking, there are awesome sights (and sites) to see all over the area, not the least of which are the likes of the Pomona Natural Bridge and Giant City State Park.

And the latter, you see, is what this is really all about, hence the title.

Besides lounging in the cozy BnB, dining at amazing restaurants, old people NSFW activities, and generally celebrating 30+ years of not killing one another, we did a lot of hiking. Her Supreme Evilness is all about hiking. I like hiking. She LOVES hiking. So, we do a lot of it. Now, don’t get me wrong – just because I only like it and she loves it, that doesn’t mean I have a bad time. I have a great time. I just think she has a greater time than I do. That’s all.

So anyway, we hiked. A LOT. We even hiked during a freak late October sleet storm. No, I am not kidding. Ice pellets and cold ass rain shooting out of the sky and there we were, traipsing along a bluff trail in some out of the way park. In some senses it was an almost spiritual experience. Sorta like dropping a hit of acid and talking to the wallpaper, or so I hear. I dunno about that for sure, but I can say that being the only two people out in the middle of an amazing plot of nature with tiny little ice pellets singing songs through the multi-colored leaves was pretty intense.

But, that’s still not exactly what this is about. It’s about the Rock Dominatrix. Who is the Rock Dominatrix? Well, Her Supreme Evilness, of course.

Now, you can call me slow – and maybe you would be correct – but I do like to gather data for a few years before I draw conclusions. Well, most of the time, but we won’t go there. At any rate, for 30+ years now Evil Kat and I have been going hiking in state and national parks, nature preserves, wildlife areas, you name it. She tends to blaze trails so I follow along behind her and there is something I have noticed over the years. And, this thing that I noticed is something I finally voiced on this most recent excursion.

You see, we stumble. All of us. Me more than most because I am a freaking klutz, but even the most graceful of us will occasionally stumble when hiking a trail – especially in the Midwest during Autumn when leaves are falling. There are hidden rocks, tree roots, etc. All manner of toe grabbers out there. So, it just happens. No biggie.

So, me, when I stumble, I usually blurt out “oops,” or “damn tree root,” or “whoops, found a rock.” Of course, if I faceplant it is something a bit more colorful, but you get the point. This, however, is NOT the case with Her Worship. Whenever she stumbles (and odd as it may seem, it DOES happen) while hiking, she stops and silently glares at whatever it is she stumbled over. No. I am not kidding. She glares at it with an intensely obvious expression of “How The F*ck Dare You!” plastered on her face.

After 30+ years of observation I pointed this out to her.

She just giggled a bit.

Twenty minutes later when she tripped the light fantastic over a tree root she just kept walking. Me, being me, I asked her why she didn’t engage in her silent stare-down chastising death glare at this particular root. Honestly, I was figuring the tree had maybe apologized to her or something and I just didn’t hear it, but no, that wasn’t it.

Her response – “You called me out on it so I can’t do it anymore.”

Something tells me the moratorium won’t last. I’ll probably also get in trouble for calling out the Rock Dominatrix, but hey, I’ve been in trouble for over 30 years. I’m used to it…

More to come…

MR

The New Shoe Review

With apologies to The New Zoo Revue

If you have ever purchased anything from Amazon – as in Amazon DOT Caaaaaahhhhhhmmmmm, not the Amazon rain forest – you know just how relentless they can be. And by relentless I mean you buy something and thirty-two point seven seconds later you get an email wanting you to review the product that hasn’t even been shipped yet. These of course are followed by reminder emails at all manner of odd intervals, each sporting a subject line like, “Hi Murv, how do you like your new thermonuclear coffee bean pulverizer,” or “Don’t forget to review your recent purchase of black lace hamster lingerie,” or “Murv, did you forget to review your new left handed spatula?”

Well, believe it or not, I am not exempt from these emails (Hence the hamster lingerie reminder) and in keeping with their insidious campaign to elicit commentary, our friends at Amazon have been dunning me recently for a review of an item. As a general rule I just ignore such things until they go away – which they eventually do. Especially since being a writer I don’t think very highly of Amazon reviews anyway. However, Jeff and the gang just happened to catch me being bored while still nursing my recent DIY plastic surgery attempt (see previous blog entry) because apparently the damage turned out to be not just the gash that needed stitches, but also a possible tear in some Latin medical termed portion of my leg. The latter unpronounceable injury will take a bit more time to heal than just the visit with the urgent care Saturday Sewing Circle meeting.

But, I digress…

As I said, Jeff and the gang caught me in a state of boredom, and what with being a writer by trade I did just what they asked. I wrote them a review. Product and review pasted below:

In case you are having trouble with the pictures, here is the text of the review:

SEDUCE-420V (8220) 5″ Classic Pump, White Patent

on September 25, 2017
Size: 7 B(M) US|Verified Purchase
Comment| One person found this helpful. 

 

Update 9/27/17 – A link to both the Amazon review and this blog have been emailed to the customer service and marketing departments of Pleaser USA, the maker of the shoes in question. Hopefully they have a good sense of humor and enjoy this as much as the customers on Amazon seem to be. 

And, it appears they do:

From: M. R. Sellars [mailto:mrsellars@takhoma.com] 
Sent: Wednesday, September 27, 2017 2:50 AM
To: marketing; Customerservice
Subject: Amazon review of Seduce 420V pumps

Greetings,
I thought you might be interested in a recent Amazon review of your 420V pumps.

Amazon link -
https://www.amazon.com/gp/customer-reviews/R3NJSIS20NN0NY/ref=cm_cr_dp_d_rvw_ttl?ie=UTF8&ASIN=B06XWNRRY2

Blog link about how this review happened -
https://www.mrsellars.com/mrblog/?p=7995

Best regards,
MRS
--
M. R. Sellars
I make up stuff (AKA Novelist)
Member International Thriller Writers
Official Website - http://www.mrsellars.com


Hi Jeff,
Thank you for your honest review. We really hope that someone comes along with a shrink ray to help your feet reach 
their true destiny of perfect size 7 so that you may fully enjoy your experience with the Seduce-420V. We know that you 
will not be disappointed once you get the leg hair under control, though we hear they work really nicely with 
skinny jeans as well. 

All the best! 

Elody Romero | Marketing Coordinator 
T: 714-771-1888 ext. 116    F: 714-771-6888 
Toll Free: 800-295-6318 ext. 116 
Direct Line: 714-278-6484
105 S. Puente Street, Brea, CA 92821 USA
www.pleaserusa.com


Hi MRS (who's Jeff? Casually ignores last email...),

Thank you for your honest review. We really hope that someone comes along with a shrink ray to help your feet reach 
their true destiny of perfect size 7 so that you may fully enjoy your experience with the Seduce-420V. We know that you 
will not be disappointed once you get the leg hair under control, though we hear they work really nicely with 
skinny jeans as well. 

All the best! 

Elody Romero | Marketing Coordinator
T: 714-771-1888 ext. 116    F: 714-771-6888 
Toll Free: 800-295-6318 ext. 116 Direct Line: 714-278-6484
105 S. Puente Street, Brea, CA 92821 USA
www.pleaserusa.com



Hi Elody,

I will follow your advice and ignore that Jeff person. I have no clue 
what he is doing in my wife's shoe closet anyway, although given that 
her nickname is Satan in High Heels - or as we call her around here, 
Evil Kat - there might be some manner of soul exchange arrangement going 
on and I simply haven't gotten around to the paperwork just yet. I'm 
woefully behind in that task - she is, after all, a redhead, so business 
is brisk.

And, trust me. I fully enjoy my Seduce 420V (and other Pleaser) 
experience(s) every time my wife wears them.

Best to all,

M. R. "Murv" Sellars


 

I will update further if the saga continues… Or if they decide to hire me to write product descriptions.

More to come

MR