With apologies to The New Zoo Revue…
If you have ever purchased anything from Amazon – as in Amazon DOT Caaaaaahhhhhhmmmmm, not the Amazon rain forest – you know just how relentless they can be. And by relentless I mean you buy something and thirty-two point seven seconds later you get an email wanting you to review the product that hasn’t even been shipped yet. These of course are followed by reminder emails at all manner of odd intervals, each sporting a subject line like, “Hi Murv, how do you like your new thermonuclear coffee bean pulverizer,” or “Don’t forget to review your recent purchase of black lace hamster lingerie,” or “Murv, did you forget to review your new left handed spatula?”
Well, believe it or not, I am not exempt from these emails (Hence the hamster lingerie reminder) and in keeping with their insidious campaign to elicit commentary, our friends at Amazon have been dunning me recently for a review of an item. As a general rule I just ignore such things until they go away – which they eventually do. Especially since being a writer I don’t think very highly of Amazon reviews anyway. However, Jeff and the gang just happened to catch me being bored while still nursing my recent DIY plastic surgery attempt (see previous blog entry) because apparently the damage turned out to be not just the gash that needed stitches, but also a possible tear in some Latin medical termed portion of my leg. The latter unpronounceable injury will take a bit more time to heal than just the visit with the urgent care Saturday Sewing Circle meeting.
But, I digress…
As I said, Jeff and the gang caught me in a state of boredom, and what with being a writer by trade I did just what they asked. I wrote them a review. Product and review pasted below:
In case you are having trouble with the pictures, here is the text of the review:
SEDUCE-420V (8220) 5″ Classic Pump, White Patent
Amazon asked me to write a review of these pumps, so, here I am…writing a review.
Mostly they wanted to know about the sizing, so I went to the closet, dug them out, and tried them on. Well, I tried to try them on. As noted, they are far too small for me since I wear a size 9.5W men’s and the pair that arrived from Amazon are size 7 women’s. That said, I’m pretty sure I would probably look adorable in them, but I’d need to shave my legs first. Also, I’m not really sure they’d go with my kilt. Black yes, white, not so much, so I would either need to order another kilt or rifle through my wife’s closet and borrow one of her skirts. Unfortunately, I suspect I would run into the same sizing issue as she is rather petite.
Speaking of my wife, she looks absolutely amazing in these shoes. She looks absolutely amazing anyway, but she definitely works the shoes, too. However, given that she is very modest I suspect you were spot on asking me to review them instead of her.
I hope this helps.
Update 9/27/17 – A link to both the Amazon review and this blog have been emailed to the customer service and marketing departments of Pleaser USA, the maker of the shoes in question. Hopefully they have a good sense of humor and enjoy this as much as the customers on Amazon seem to be.
And, it appears they do:
From: M. R. Sellars [mailto:email@example.com] Sent: Wednesday, September 27, 2017 2:50 AM To: marketing; Customerservice Subject: Amazon review of Seduce 420V pumps Greetings, I thought you might be interested in a recent Amazon review of your 420V pumps. Amazon link - https://www.amazon.com/gp/customer-reviews/R3NJSIS20NN0NY/ref=cm_cr_dp_d_rvw_ttl?ie=UTF8&ASIN=B06XWNRRY2 Blog link about how this review happened - https://www.mrsellars.com/mrblog/?p=7995 Best regards, MRS -- M. R. Sellars I make up stuff (AKA Novelist) Member International Thriller Writers Official Website - http://www.mrsellars.com
Hi Jeff, Thank you for your honest review. We really hope that someone comes along with a shrink ray to help your feet reach their true destiny of perfect size 7 so that you may fully enjoy your experience with the Seduce-420V. We know that you will not be disappointed once you get the leg hair under control, though we hear they work really nicely with skinny jeans as well. All the best! Elody Romero | Marketing Coordinator T: 714-771-1888 ext. 116 F: 714-771-6888 Toll Free: 800-295-6318 ext. 116 Direct Line: 714-278-6484 105 S. Puente Street, Brea, CA 92821 USA www.pleaserusa.com
Hi MRS (who's Jeff? Casually ignores last email...), Thank you for your honest review. We really hope that someone comes along with a shrink ray to help your feet reach their true destiny of perfect size 7 so that you may fully enjoy your experience with the Seduce-420V. We know that you will not be disappointed once you get the leg hair under control, though we hear they work really nicely with skinny jeans as well. All the best! Elody Romero | Marketing Coordinator T: 714-771-1888 ext. 116 F: 714-771-6888 Toll Free: 800-295-6318 ext. 116 Direct Line: 714-278-6484 105 S. Puente Street, Brea, CA 92821 USA www.pleaserusa.com
Hi Elody, I will follow your advice and ignore that Jeff person. I have no clue what he is doing in my wife's shoe closet anyway, although given that her nickname is Satan in High Heels - or as we call her around here, Evil Kat - there might be some manner of soul exchange arrangement going on and I simply haven't gotten around to the paperwork just yet. I'm woefully behind in that task - she is, after all, a redhead, so business is brisk. And, trust me. I fully enjoy my Seduce 420V (and other Pleaser) experience(s) every time my wife wears them. Best to all, M. R. "Murv" Sellars
I will update further if the saga continues… Or if they decide to hire me to write product descriptions.
More to come