DIY Plastic Surgery OR OUCH @#$$%^!!@&

Image result for Splitting wedgeSo, I was bored one day and just for something to do I tried to cut my leg off. Well, not exactly cut my leg off, more like modify the existing leg, but since I am a writer and not a cosmetic surgeon, I lacked the necessary skills to undertake such a task. As I had no access to proper medical supplies I elected to effect the surgery by propelling a recently sharpened splitting wedge into my leg at approximately 35 mph using a large maple log and a 12 lb maul. Not patting myself on the back here, (okay, maybe a little), but I have to say I lined things up fairly well since upon the log splitting the wedge exited at a perfect 90 degree angle perpendicular to my shin which allowed for the sharpened edge to strike dead on and penetrate before ricocheting across the yard. I credit Mister Careklas, my high school geometry teacher for my ability to accomplish this.

At any rate, with the incision made I was ready to continue with my modification, however it dawned on me that I had completely forgotten to have a bottle of bourbon, a spool of thread, and a carpet needle on standby (it pays to think ahead. Unfortunately, I didn’t this time.) Not having the necessary items on hand, I decided a bit of help might be in order. Well… actually I was just going to use some gauze and duct tape, but my wife insisted otherwise, and she’s a redhead so arguing was not really an option. She also had my friend’s wife on her side, so it was pretty much a losing proposition for me.

Well, to make a long story even longer, I whipped out my trusty ACA insurance card and my wife called the number on the back. Given that we were at our friend’s house for this impromptu surgery experiment we told them our location and they recommended Total Access since they had a location within ten minutes of the house. And, off we went.

Everyone was lovely when we arrived. I walked in and asked if they had a needle and thread and the cheerful young lady behind the desk said, “Why yes, we certainly do.” I knew then and there that we were in the right place. She handed me a clipboard and a pencil, so I went over and sat on the Group W bench and filled out the form that tells them who I am and all sorts of nasty stuff. I assume that this is so they know who to notify if I die. You know, standard doctor stuff.

Within a few minutes – and I mean very few – I was taken to a treatment room. Moments later a nurse (and I am sorry that I am not recalling names at this point, I was a bit preoccupied) came in and did all sorts of nurse stuff to my leg with a mammoth syringe, 400 gallons of cleaning solution, and a lot of gauze. I mean A LOT of gauze. She even let me take a picture. BEST DAY EVER!

Image result for carpet sewing kitNot long after that a Physicians Assistant came in and ratcheted the table up to the ceiling and whooped out the Singer sewing kit, complete with various threads and carpet needles. By this time my wife and daughter had been escorted back to the room because they are morbid sorts who really wanted to watch me get sewn up. The staff was patient with them as they oohed and ahhed and snapped selfies with the gaping wound.

What followed after that was an exercise in Home Ec, with much sewing done, and many more cases of gauze due to me being a prolific bleeder (what can I say? The red cross seems to love it when I show up at their offices and bleed.) Anyway, just to be sure my geometry had been correct they decided to take some X-rays. I’m really looking forward to getting the 11×14 and wallets that I ordered, by the way. After snapping those formal, posed shots they finished sewing me up and said, “Hey. Murv. How about you go home now.” I’m not sure if it was because they were tired of me bleeding on their treatment table, or if it was just because they were fed up with my unending gallows humor in the face of a rather nasty, 16-stitch-needing wound in my leg. (If you can’t find humor in it, why bother. That’s my motto.)

And so, I hobbled on out, paid my copay, and headed home. BONUS – there was a Noodles & Company right next door so my wife ordered up some takeout Pad Thai so that I didn’t have to cook dinner that night. Again, BEST DAY EVER! I might even include it in my next novel.

Image result for pad thaiAll seriousness aside… Expedient, excellent care. Excellent communication. I think – no, I’m pretty certain – some of them were a bit taken aback by my gallows humor as noted above, but they warmed up to it fairly quickly and even started cracking jokes back at me, which in my book is an excellent bedside manner – you can be serious about something and still find a way to highlight the absurdity and silliness of life in general.

Plus, there’s a Noodles & Company next door. What’s not to love?

Five stars. Would definitely shop there again for future injury needs.

More to come…


Po’ Key Man A Go Go: Electric Boogaloo…

Okay… The Electric Boogaloo in the title is for my friend and fellow author, Alex Bledsoe… Mostly because it’s hard to fit biscuits and gravy into a blog title about a game app. Don’t worry. He’ll get the joke even if you don’t…

Now, that said, this blog entry isn’t about Alex, nor is it about biscuits, gravy, or electric boogaloos. I just couldn’t pass up a chance at the shout out.

So what is this blog entry about? Well, it’s about elitism, manners, and unfounded anger.

hqdefaultUnless you have been hiding under a rock for the past month, I am sure you are well aware of the phenomenon that is Pokemon Go. Suffice it to say, it is a game app for your mobile phone, based on the old Pokemon cards/cartoon, whereby you catch Pokemon, gain experience, battle other Pokemon, etc. The truth is, it is a brilliant little game – although it IS a battery sucker. In order to hunt down Pokemon, catch them, AND replenish your supply of Poke Balls, hatch Poke Eggs, etc, you have to get out and about. In fact, you actually have to do quite a bit of walking. In short, this app has done more to get nerds off the couch and out into the fresh air getting exercise than anything I’ve ever seen. Hell, it even gets the Teen of Doom out away from her guitars for a while every day. In my book that’s a big win.

So, where do elitism, manners, and unfounded anger come in?

Well, my wife and I play Pokemon Go, too. Yes, we are in our 50’s, but we play this silly little game as well. It started as an interaction with our teen daughter. She was into it, so we decided we would join her since she’s not all about board games anymore (she was when she was younger, but things change, as we all well know.) It is something that allowed us to have a family activity that we all enjoy. We go for walks, we go to parks where there are Poke Stops and lures, etc. We are getting exercise, getting excited about the same thing, and doing a lot of talking – like I said, big win. BUT… (you saw that coming, right?) my wife and I are in our 50’s and we are playing Pokemon Go.

We have faced criticism from many sides – extended family, Facebook friends, and random strangers. We’ve been laughed at and even had a guy get all pissy with us when he found out we played – and when I say pissy I mean he started shaking his head, rolling his eyes, gesticulating, and raising his voice as he said, “Oh come on, at your age? What’s wrong with you?”

You know who HASN’T been an asshole to us? Teens and twenty-somethings. Yeah. Kids, and not just our own. Random teens we run into at parks get all excited when they see a couple of “elderly folks” playing this game and having a good time. It’s a common ground, and kids out there – and their parents who are engaged in this – are connecting.

pokemongo0324-610My biggest question in all of this is: When did it become okay for someone to openly criticize me for doing something that has absolutely no effect on them whatsoever? I mean, if I was on your lawn, maybe, but when I am in the park, walking the dog, minding my own business with my family, how did it become your right to get up in my face and tell me there’s something wrong with me because I’m enjoying a silly little game on my phone while getting some exercise? When did it become okay for someone to sneer at me because I engage in a fun, family game?

Basically, when did it become okay for people to not mind their own fucking business?

I guess it’s an epidemic… Drumpf brought the racists and misogynists into the light. Pokemon Go has brought all the nosy Gladys Kravitzes into the light. (If you don’t know who Gladys Kravitz is, use Google. It’s your friend.)

At any rate, get over yourselves. I’m sorry your life is so boring, but that doesn’t give you a right to take it out on me.

More to come…