Several days ago I was contacted by a newly-minted author. That is to say, a young lady whose very first book was seeing publication, and who was taking her first steps out onto that pothole-filled, ice-slicked, ultra-jam-packed highway that is self-promotion.

In particular, scheduling book signings.

Book signing events are an author’s way of getting a chance to scribble in books without getting in trouble for it. We all carry a box of crayons because secretly that is what we wish we could use to sign books. You know, just a doodle of BLIZZARD BLUE with a couple of underlines of BRICK RED and BURNT ORANGE. All circled by UNMELLOW YELLOW. After all, we want our artistic side to shine.

Scribble, scribble, scribble...

Okay… so not really. Well… not always, we’ll put it that way.

The gist of my story here is that she wanted advice from someone who had not only been around the block a couple of times, but had the scrapes and scars to prove it. And, when she couldn’t get hold of him, she contacted me.

As with any shiny, fresh-faced new author who has no clue what is happening and is nervous as all hell, she had questions. Having been there, I was more than happy to answer those questions, but as usually happens in my case, simple answers turned into a small novel. Well… short story, at least.

When E K saw what I had written she suggested I share it with folks here on my blog because I had put quite a bit of effort into it. As we all know, an E K suggestion is tantamount to a direct order, and also as we all know, I do what E K says out of self-preservation.

So, here is my reply to that young lady, with a little added text here and there that came to me later. Not really new advice in that sense, but explanation of the advice originally given. You will notice that it reads similar to my advice for authors and aspiring writers “filk” of Wear Sunscreen (see: Use Flash Drives) – However, upon trying to actually make it fit the cadence of that piece and such, I was forced to leave too much of the advice out of it. I didn’t want to do that.

E K didn’t want me to do that either.

Still, I must preface this with a simple disclaimer: This is merely MY take on book signing events as drawn from my decade plus of experiences with them.  Make of it what you will…

My Advice On Book Signing Events

Have fun.

Sign the title or half-title page. Your choice, but be consistent.

Keep a blank pad near you to test pens when they suddenly die without reason, AND for when you need to practice a name, as someone will invariably ask for their inscription to be made out to some name with no vowels other than y plus 37 consonants in no particular order (and only they will be able to pronounce it – likely improperly – but hey, it’s their name they just made up so roll with it and laugh later.)

Or they will want it made out to something like “Lord Bastard Fuckwad of the Asshole Dynasty, Utah Chapter.” While that might sound like I just made it up, I didn’t. I will never forget signing that particular book or the inscription, trust me.

Make eye contact.

Smile.

Ask the person’s name and use it when you talk to them, even if you forget it the minute they step away from the table. When you sign their book, ask them how to spell it. You’d be amazed at how many different ways there are to spell Mary.

Take a friend with you. Have them run interference if you get a crazy. I once had a woman explaining to me how she was a REAL Vampire Slayer (unlike the fake vampire slayers I suppose) and that she was there to slay all of my fans because they must be vampires since I write about vampires. I don’t, of course, but you couldn’t convince her of that. If crazy gets a target lock on you, a wingman(woman) will be invaluable. Set up a signal so that you don’t look like you are giving the crazy the brush off. Something innocuous your wingperson will notice and understand means “Scotty, beam this flake out of here.”

Expect stupid questions. Expect smart questions. Answer both of them with the same earnest and sincerity. Failing that, use humor. It will save you if you get in a pinch, 99% of the time. This may sound easy, but trust me – after answering the exact same question for 137 different people, separately, at the same book signing, after having already answered it up in front of all of them during the Q&A, you’ll know just how much work it really is. People do not listen as well as you imagine.

Accept that it is possible you will run into a crazy who will not go away, no matter what, and even humor won’t save you. Be ecstatic when you don’t run into same.

Practice your signature for 20 minutes every day, blindfolded, until you can sign it in the dark, behind your back, while carrying on a conversation. If you manage to do this, you are way better than me.

Don’t make promises to readers you don’t intend to keep, and don’t put up with readers who demand that you do.

Don’t waste money on expensive business cards. Some people will take them, some people won’t… The book is what’s important, and in the end the business card will just get thrown in the trash.

Put some candy on your table. Give it away for free. Maybe some bookmarks. If nobody is stopping by the table, get up and walk around. Hand out the bookmarks. Introduce yourself. Don’t be shy about why you are there, but don’t be a hard sell either.

Don’t be afraid to suggest someone else’s book to a reader. They, and the store, will appreciate your honesty, and your help.

Never put down another author or their books in public. Even if you would like to run over them repeatedly with your car. It only makes you look like an ass.

Take plenty of extra ink pens, and a roll of breath mints.

USE the breath mints.

Do NOT dine at a “Garlic Hut”, “Tandoori Monkey”, or any other pungent food vendor just prior to your signing.

Don’t be afraid of your readers. Remember, they are there to see you. But whatever you do, be genuine. All you have done is written a book. This does not make you the center of the universe.

Accept praise graciously, but don’t let it go to your head. If you do, you will alienate your friends, store owners, readers, and potential readers.

Do not start believing your own press, because once you start down that road, it is already too late.

Pay attention to everything. You never know when you might need a funny or interesting story that starts, “A funny thing happened to me at a book signing…”

But trust me on the having fun thing…

More to come…

Murv

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Yes. THAT “N” word…

Yes. THAT whole brouhaha…

And, yes. I am now going to add my voice to the elebenty-bazillion others. Why? Because people keep asking my opinion. This way I can just say, “read my blog” and save myself a little time.

Now, just in case you don’t know the brouhaha I mean, I’m talking about the 21st century editing of Mark Twain’s Huckleberry Finn to remove the “N” word.

Now, you may notice that I just keep referring to it as the “N” word instead of going ahead and typing it out. Given my position on this – which I am about to relate to you – one may think I’m being a bit hypocritical by not just going ahead and letting it fly. But read on…

I’m not self-editing out of a need to be politically correct. If you know me at all, you are well aware that I despise political correctness with every fiber of my being. I am also not self-editing out of a fear of repercussions. The truth is, I don’t particularly care for the “N” word. Not a fan of it at all, in particular the universally accepted connotation it carries in this day and age., therefore I don’t use it. While its origin carried a somewhat different meaning, as words and language often do, it quickly devolved, and has taken on a much different definition as we all know. And here’s a news flash – truncating the hard “R” at the end and morphing it into a guttural vowel doesn’t alter anything other than the pronunciation. The vile and negative connotation is still there, and you aren’t going to change that by using it as a nickname, honorific, or putting it in a “song”.

Now, in the interest of complete honesty, I’ll admit something – In the boundless stupidity of my youth I am guilty of having used the “N” word on a few occasions. While never launched directly at an individual, I cannot deny having uttered it in descriptive narrative during a conversation about another person. However, it was to describe a negative behavior rather than as a racial slur, especially when you consider that at least once that I recall, the individual in question was Caucasian. Not that such makes it okay. It definitely does not.

However, in the heat of those moments I knew exactly what the connotation was, and intended it so, simply because it was the ugliest word I could think of to say . These incidents were many, many years ago.

Unfortunately, I was stupid enough to do this. However, fortunately, I recall my stupidity with vivid clarity, which is why I will not repeat it.

Am I sorry that I stooped to such vulgarity? Hell yes.

Am I ashamed of myself for having done so? More than you can imagine.

And that brings us back around to the paradox…

As much as I despise the word and the connotation of the age, its use within Mark Twain’s work is important. Why? Because in my way of thinking it is a reminder.

While I wasn’t afforded the opportunity to hear the NPR interview with the editor behind this change, I was told by someone who did listen to it, that the change apparently is not intended to rewrite history, nor to redact this vulgarity from every edition. The idea is to provide a sanitized version for teachers and readers who are offended by the “N” word.

Well… The prose is public domain at this point. You can do to it whatever you damn well please, and no amount of whining from me or any other author is going to change that.

But, I am going to offer my opinion anyway…

We need to remember that we learn from our mistakes, therefore erasing them teaches us nothing. In fact, it dooms us to repeat our stupidity.

Does the word offend? Yes. It offends plenty, me included. I’m relatively certain I have illustrated that here. But by the same token it evokes a response. One that provokes thought. Terrible as it may seem, sometimes it takes being offended to get your attention.

And, it’s not as if Twain was the only one to use the word… What about Sounder? To Kill A Mockingbird? And many other classics… And, dare I say it, the word has even been used effectively in literature of a more recent age. The argument is made that the prose is antiquated. Well, that’s true. But an antique desk is worth more than it was new, so there is definitely value to be found in antiquated prose.

In each case, it makes a point. It reminds us of a different time, and how far we have come. Removing it in favor of a more “politically correct” noun is no different than stabbing yourself with a spoon. You might bruise yourself a bit if you try really hard, but you aren’t going to make yourself bleed.

And sometimes, to truly understand, we have to bleed…

More to come…

Murv