DIY Plastic Surgery OR OUCH @#$$%^!!@&

Image result for Splitting wedgeSo, I was bored one day and just for something to do I tried to cut my leg off. Well, not exactly cut my leg off, more like modify the existing leg, but since I am a writer and not a cosmetic surgeon, I lacked the necessary skills to undertake such a task. As I had no access to proper medical supplies I elected to effect the surgery by propelling a recently sharpened splitting wedge into my leg at approximately 35 mph using a large maple log and a 12 lb maul. Not patting myself on the back here, (okay, maybe a little), but I have to say I lined things up fairly well since upon the log splitting the wedge exited at a perfect 90 degree angle perpendicular to my shin which allowed for the sharpened edge to strike dead on and penetrate before ricocheting across the yard. I credit Mister Careklas, my high school geometry teacher for my ability to accomplish this.

At any rate, with the incision made I was ready to continue with my modification, however it dawned on me that I had completely forgotten to have a¬†bottle of bourbon, a spool of thread, and a carpet needle on standby (it pays to think ahead. Unfortunately, I didn’t this time.) Not having the necessary items on hand, I decided a bit of help might be in order. Well… actually I was just going to use some gauze and duct tape, but my wife insisted otherwise, and she’s a redhead so arguing was not really an option. She also had my friend’s wife on her side, so it was pretty much a losing proposition for me.

Well, to make a long story even longer, I whipped out my trusty ACA insurance card and my wife called the number on the back. Given that we were at our friend’s house for this impromptu surgery experiment we told them our location and they recommended Total Access since they had a location within ten minutes of the house. And, off we went.

Everyone was lovely when we arrived. I walked in and asked if they had a needle and thread and the cheerful young lady behind the desk said, “Why yes, we certainly do.” I knew then and there that we were in the right place. She handed me a clipboard and a pencil, so I went over and sat on the Group W bench and filled out the form that tells them who I am and all sorts of nasty stuff. I assume that this is so they know who to notify if I die. You know, standard doctor stuff.

Within a few minutes – and I mean very few – I was taken to a treatment room. Moments later a nurse (and I am sorry that I am not recalling names at this point, I was a bit preoccupied) came in and did all sorts of nurse stuff to my leg with a mammoth syringe, 400 gallons of cleaning solution, and a lot of gauze. I mean A LOT of gauze. She even let me take a picture. BEST DAY EVER!

Image result for carpet sewing kitNot long after that a Physicians Assistant came in and ratcheted the table up to the ceiling and whooped out the Singer sewing kit, complete with various threads and carpet needles. By this time my wife and daughter had been escorted back to the room because they are morbid sorts who really wanted to watch me get sewn up. The staff was patient with them as they oohed and ahhed and snapped selfies with the gaping wound.

What followed after that was an exercise in Home Ec, with much sewing done, and many more cases of gauze due to me being a prolific bleeder (what can I say? The red cross seems to love it when I show up at their offices and bleed.) Anyway, just to be sure my geometry had been correct they decided to take some X-rays. I’m really looking forward to getting the 11×14 and wallets that I ordered, by the way. After snapping those formal, posed shots they finished sewing me up and said, “Hey. Murv. How about you go home now.” I’m not sure if it was because they were tired of me bleeding on their treatment table, or if it was just because they were fed up with my unending gallows humor in the face of a rather nasty, 16-stitch-needing wound in my leg. (If you can’t find humor in it, why bother. That’s my motto.)

And so, I hobbled on out, paid my copay, and headed home. BONUS – there was a Noodles & Company right next door so my wife ordered up some takeout Pad Thai so that I didn’t have to cook dinner that night. Again, BEST DAY EVER! I might even include it in my next novel.

Image result for pad thaiAll seriousness aside… Expedient, excellent care. Excellent communication. I think – no, I’m pretty certain – some of them were a bit taken aback by my gallows humor as noted above, but they warmed up to it fairly quickly and even started cracking jokes back at me, which in my book is an excellent bedside manner – you can be serious about something and still find a way to highlight the absurdity and silliness of life in general.

Plus, there’s a Noodles & Company next door. What’s not to love?

Five stars. Would definitely shop there again for future injury needs.

More to come…


It Doesn’t Work Like That Anymore…

I’m sure you’ve noticed that shit has gone wonky in the world. More specifically, the United States – not that they are particularly united these days, unless you count the fact that 48 of them are pretty much stuck together by simple geographic necessity.

At any rate, let me flash back a bit…

capricorn_one_mission_patch_by_cmdrkerner-d39jdkeBack during my late teens there was this movie. It was a bit of a spin on the Moon Landing Conspiracy nuts and it was called Capricorn One. (Warning, Spoilers) The basic gist of the movie is that at the last minute the government realizes that their mission to Mars will fail due to a defect in the space capsule, so just before launch they yank the astronauts, played by James Brolin, O. J. “If I Did It” Simpson, and Sam Waterston. They cart them off to a secret, hidden facility, where they have a mockup of the capsule, the lander, the martian landscape, and the whole nine yards. They fill them in on the story and convince them to act out the rest of the mission as if everything is fine – all in the interest of not embarrassing their nation. And so, they go along with it, for a while… Their compliance sort of changes when during the return flight the capsule fails, burns up, and that’s the end of that. Now the government has no choice but to off these guys and bury them somewhere, then hold a big public memorial for these fallen heroes who never actually left the Earth’s atmosphere. So, instead of saying, “Okay, I’ll take a bullet for the cause” they escape and strike out across the desert. Of course, the gubmint chases after them.


Enter Eliot Gould – intrepid reporter. He has figured out something is up and he has traveled out in search of where this secret base might be (he was tipped off by Rossi from Lou Grant… No, seriously, he was)… At any rate, after some serious acrobatic flying by Telly Savalas (Yeah, Kojak was a crop duster, who knew?) they rescue James Brolin (O.J. and Sam got offed by the federales) and deliver him to his own public funeral, right there in front of the TV cameras and everything, effectively toppling the house of cards built by the bad, eebil gubmint.

capricorn oneIt was actually a good story, and not a bad movie. I even bought it on DVD many years later and have watched it a couple of times since that summer of my teens when two dollar matinees were the norm, and an air conditioned Wherenberg Theater was the place to be to escape the heat.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that today.

I’m pretty sure you could literally have this exact scenario occur and nothing would topple… Just look at our current election cycle. There’s a racist, misogynistic liar getting busted left and right – by himself, on tape – and he still has rabid followers who are convinced that it’s all just a plot to take down their guy. What’s worse, there are a lot of them.

Maybe that one way trip to Mars they were advertising a while back isn’t such a bad idea after all…

More to come…